Part 1 of 2
When looking for love … how are you going about it?
Are you looking for sex or are you looking for romance, love and companionship … someone to love and someone to love you back?
My wife, Barbara, is a brilliant woman. She took a Dale Carnegie Course to meet guys. The question she asked herself: Who would be in a class like this? The answer came back: — probably upward mobile thinking people.
After meeting in the Dale Carnegie class we became friends and were friends for five years. Now … we have been married for 40+ years. We love many of the same things …I am primarily an Auditory person and Barbara is primarily a Visual person. We HEAR and SEE most things differently but in the end we agree on almost everything because we have learned to help the other understand our thinking.
If you want to build rapport with someone, according to NLP, you should speak to them in their own language… or their own preference.
The most obvious example of this is speaking with someone who speaks in a foreign language … well speaking the same language means much more than this. Speaking the same language means what is their primary preference, are they using Visual, Auditory or Kinesthetic words in their every day conversation.
If you start paying attention you will begin to see what I’m saying, hear what I’m saying, get what I’m saying.
A visual person’s experience of life is that they see pictures when they think and communicate with the world. An auditory person’s preference is that they talk in their head, or, even to themselves sometimes. A Kinesthetic preference manifests itself with a person NEEDING to get the right feel of things before proceeding. Do you get what I’m saying here? (kinesthetic)
You can build rapport much more quickly by speaking with anyone by using their own language, focusing on their primary preference.
Ever met someone that you seem to just hit it off with right away? It’s like you’ve known each other for a long time. Well…what words they are using? Very often you will find that when you are in the zone and just talking away, the words they use are the same words that you use, the same kind of language, visual, auditory or kinesthetic. The subject matter can be a shared interest for example … say you meet someone at a favorite sports event and still you do not hit it off due to language differences.
NLP dives into this communication skill from the beginning. Each of us uses all three of the references all the time: visual, auditory and kinesthetic (feeling). But each of us has a primary and a secondary preference. It’s important to learn what those preferences are and use them intelligently. You find over time that you begin doing this automatically and that you can make friends with just about anyone.
The only person that this won’t work with is a mis–matcher, someone that always has to be right and whatever you say…they say something that is the opposite just to contradict you so that they can be right, brilliant, on top things more than you. Most mis-matchers do this unconsciously, and it usually associated with a poor self-image. So keep in mind here that you won’t be able to communicate with everyone but you will be able to communicate with many more people than you use to.
You may already be a person with many friends. You are able to build rapport quickly with people. Pay attention to what you say and you’ll find that you get along with people well because you unconsciously know how to communicate the way that person communicates.
Visual examples: See what I mean…does that shine a light on it for you…turn on a light with you…how does this look to you…get the picture? Etc…
Auditory examples: Does that ring a bell with you, or I hear what you’re saying, or that doesn’t sound right, or would you repeat that, or would you say that again please, or listen to me, or do you hear what I’m saying? And so on…
Kinesthetic examples: It doesn’t feel right to me, or that’s uncomfortable to me, or I don’t want to get involved in that, or I am uneasy with that, or do you get it, or can you feel that?
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the goal of all of this is manipulation but instead this is learning how to be truly open with someone so that the outcome can be better for both of you. Remember NLP is a win-win philosophy: “you want both sides to come out ahead in this communication. You sincerely want the very best for all involved”.
In the end with all the differences Barbara and I hear or see together, by learning to communicate early in our relationship using these types of skills, we became great friends first and everything else … love, sex, companionship, chores, responsibilities … everything … is awesome. We really get the Jerry McGuire phrase: “You complete me”.
So think about it … how are you going about it? Think about something you will enjoy doing and then get involved with doing that and the person you want to meet will probably be involved in the same thing. They will probably hear, or see or feel the same way you do.
Learn to build rapport with all of yourself. All of the references, not just your preferred method. Expand into using more Visual and Auditory and Kinesthetics and your will find your own life improving and you will find more joy in everyday because you will have expanded your senses of life.
You will feel more like you are living in “The Magic of Life”.
I’m jus’ sayin’